


Say no, I'll stop

by Ja_Levi



Category: Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: Boundaries, Childhood Trauma, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Gen, Healthy Relationships, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Light Angst, M/M, Panic Attacks, Poor Ciel Phantomhive, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Trauma, Teenage Ciel Phantomhive, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-17
Updated: 2021-02-17
Packaged: 2021-03-12 11:21:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,590
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29508948
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ja_Levi/pseuds/Ja_Levi
Summary: Ciel can't stand his past, and after finally putting an end to Kelvin's psychotic rampage of kidnapping and mind warping children, that past creeps back up on him.Unable to keep it inside, he breaks temporarily. Sebastian is close by to make it all okay.
Relationships: Sebastian Michaelis & Ciel Phantomhive
Kudos: 25





	Say no, I'll stop

Ciel picks at his salmon, cutting the fish up and just staring at the meat. It's been two weeks since he put that perverse, disfigured man's kidnapping rampage to an end. Yet, that hall with those children stains the back of his mind. Kelvin's face plagues him every time he falls asleep. He should feel satisfied. Afterall, Kelvin is dead. Shot. Gone. 

The teen boy picks up a piece of salmon and he brings it to his mouth, only to grimace when it hits his tongue, the food feeling too plentiful as he starts to eat. "Is there something the matter, my lord?" A curling voice coos, the sound coming from the window sill. Ciel raises his eyes and he looks at his butler, swallowing his salmon. 

"I don't have you here for small talk, Sebastian. You're here to serve me and eat my soul, not ask me about little things considering my state of mood. Go back to brooding in silence. You're much more enjoyable when you're quiet," Ciel sneers, lowering his gaze once more.

The demon tilts his head, the smile on his face twitching and forcing itself to stay strong. "Of course, young master. I wouldn't want to bore you with looking out for your well being or anything."  
"You care about the condition of my soul, nothing more! Do not fill me with some bullshit ideas of you caring for me!" Ciel snaps, slamming his fork down against the table. 

Sebastian raises an eyebrow at Ciel, twitching his nose at the teenager. "Do you really think that my care for you is, how you say, bullshit?" The demon asks, tilting his head and narrowing his eyes. Ciel looks back up at Sebastian before he grits his teeth and looks away. "Tell me one good reason that I should believe it's not all make pretend," he spits, shoving his food away from him so aggressively that everything spills to the floor.

Ciel's chest heaves and he coughs, cursing slightly. "Damn, that fire must've made its way into my lungs. Fucking...damn it." Sebastian's grin seems to grow more strained. "Well, you ordered the fire," Sebastian states. Ciel glares at Sebastian, clenching his hands into fists. "Fuck you! Bastard. You know full well why I ordered the fire."  
"Ah, yes. Because you considered yourself a merciful man, my lord."  
"It was mercy to give them death, compared to making them live through that trauma!"

Sebastian doesn't even flinch at Ciel's harsh tone. "And you decided to make that choice for them. You deemed yourself a fair enough judge. What gave you the right to make that choice?" He asks, taunting the boy. Ciel blinks at Sebastian and he furrows his eyebrows. "What gives me the right? What gives me the right?!" Ciel snaps, gritting his teeth together angrily. "I have been through more than enough trauma to know what life leaves them like! I've had you to protect me from further damage, and they did not! They'll never be fixed! Only I know that trauma!"

Sebastian presses his lips together, as if trying not to frown. "Now, that's a little bit arrogant, my lord." Ciel narrows his eyes at Sebastian, sniffling as he swallows back something akin to tears. "Arrogant...? It's arrogant, is it, to know what it's like to go through that? You dare call me arrogant for suffering! How dare you?"

Sebastian lets himself frown completely. He takes a step forwards to Ciel. "You know full well that I wasn't calling you arrogant for that," he says cautiously, approaching the boy with a sigh. "Ciel, what ever is the matter? There's obviously something bothering you, you're not usually like this."

Ciel takes one long look at the mess on the floor that he's created before he races out of the room, holding his breath in an attempt to hold back his tears. The dining room door slams shut behind him and he just runs. He doesn't know where, he hasn't thought that far. It's not like it'll matter. Sebastian will always find him. He's never going to be alone. And that damn butler wouldn't help either.

As Ciel races down the corridor, his eyes gloss over with tears. As he passes by the large windows by the staircase, his eyepatch quickly becomes wet. The thoughts that Sebastian is always there, but never for him creep in. It's the truth, and it's dastardly. Sebastian is always close by, but just for his soul. That damned demon watches him suffer, watches the torment that goes on behind his eyes, but he doesn't make it stop.

Ciel wants it to stop. "Make it stop," the teenager finally gasps out into the open air as he reaches the garden, collapsing to his knees in front of the greenhouse. Ciel heaves, coughing at the strain on his lungs that the running had caused. He falls forwards, planting his hands onto the dry and dusty ground, saliva now gathering at the bottom of his chin as the expense of his coughing.

The Earl gasps and pants, eventually calming down his coughing. His eyes are still wet, however. Tears crawl down his cheeks slowly. Ciel wishes more than anything that he can't cry, just how he can't smile. It's a difficult thing to do, yes, but Ciel can still cry. How bothersome, to show that you are weak. It's hardly a benefit to cry. And for this time, it's even over something minor. All because Sebastian said he was arrogant for playing God. Taking those children's lives in that fire was acting like a God and Ciel just had to take it the wrong way, take it as being called arrogant for his experiences. Ciel supposes that the memories of late have made his heart tender at the moment. 

However, Sebastian still owes him some credit here. Ciel has been through enough hardship and trauma to know how those children will react if they continued a normal life. Afterall, he's survived all of his experience and has reacted to normal life. Yet, at what cost did his sanity spare? He's survived that torment, and he's remained sane, for the most part. Those children wouldn't have been so lucky. 

Those kids were already too far gone, and they wouldn't have had a limb to slump back on if they had tried a shot at normal life. Ciel sniffles and pulls his legs up to his chest. Ciel knows what thoughts would've fill their head if they were released back to their families. The thoughts, the urges of destruction. More so, self destruction. The need for that pain that you had just barely lived through. That desire to break even further, just so you can prove that you can survive it. Those children would break further and die either way. Ciel knows the ins and outs of this kind of trauma. Personal experience will do that to you.

Scoffing, Ciel places one of his hands back onto the grass beside him, starting to pick at it. He wishes that Sebastian could just understand why he acted in such a way without trying to make him seem like he was evil for it. But as a demon, finding the evil in everything is to be expected. That doesn't mean that Ciel doesn't feel any less invalidated for his efforts for mercy though. 

Hell, Ciel accepts completely that he's arrogant. It was arrogant to think he had the right, but he had the right to choose their fates nonetheless! And even so he was arrogant in that manor, he was right in that moment to set those children to rest. Ciel is not a bad person for trying to do the right thing. He's not. "I just wanted to help them. I just wanted to help," Ciel whispers, clenching onto the ground with his hand.

The young Earl can feel dirt gather beneath his nails as he clenches into the soil harder. "I thought it would be better for them. I just..."  
"You thought that you were in the right," a softly sighing voice says from near the kitchen door way. Ciel refuses to raise his head. He's already shown far too much weakness, he can't bear to show more. It's demeaning to show this amount of fragility. It's awfully...human of him.

The teenager hears leaves crunch as footsteps approach him. Ciel can feel his shoulders start to shake and he knows that yet more tears are rolling down his cheeks. Frustration and pent up helplessness are beginning to push him over his emotional edge. Due to being on his blind side, when the person next to him falls to ground beside him, Ciel can't see them. Even so, Ciel knows full well who it is.

"Leave me alone, Sebastian," Ciel tries to spit in some facade of annoyance, but his words just come off more like a weak beg for a moment alone with his thoughts. "Please. Just...leave me alone." Looking at his master with a tilted his head, Sebastian frowns slightly. He casts his gaze over his master, studying his mannerisms. 

Sebastian notices the trembling shoulders, the stained tracks of tears on the boy's skin, the ruffled blue hair from running, the whiteness of Ciel's knuckles from strain and the way Ciel looks away, as if to hide his eyes. 

It makes sense that Ciel is trying to avoid eye contact. Afterall, when you see into someone's eyes, you see into their soul. When you see into their eyes, you see how they feel. Ciel is trying to hide from Sebastian, in any way that he knows how. The demon gives him some silent credit for the attempt, even though it doesn't quite work. The demon knows Ciel too well. He knows what the other is feeling. 

Sebastian takes a small breath, trying to figure out what would be the best way to help his young lord. The demon moves one of his hands to Ciel's messy hair, tucking a few loose strands behind the boy's ear. "I'm afraid that I can't do that, my lord. I must be by your side to look after you."

Ciel feels a gloved hand cup his chin and he goes limp, letting Sebastian move his face to look at the other. Sebastian looks almost concerned and Ciel slumps his shoulders, forcing the tension to leave him. "I'm not a child," he whispers pointlessly as Sebastian rubs away a stray tear with his glove. Sebastian cracks a thin smile, one clearly sprung out of pity. 

"Of course not, my lord. But you're very stressed right now. This outburst wasn't childish. It's not immature. It's from a build up, young master. You must learn not to chastise yourself so much. You've been through an awful lot. And I must remind myself that you are human, that you're not invincible. You're affected by your feelings, like every good man or woman is. Every now and again, my lord, you must let go of your strength. It's alright to fall into submission, to let those emotions take over. You must cry when it calls for it."

Ciel swallows back a gulp and he sniffles, hesitantly letting himself lean into Sebastian's touch that lingers onto his face. "But I--Crying is a weakness. I can't cry, I mustn't cry--!"  
"But you're already doing so, my lord. Why cause yourself more damage by forcing all of these negative feelings back down inside of your chest? It's better to let it out. Cry, young master. Scream, if you need. Use your stomach, use your heart, use your throat and lungs and just let it all out. There's no shame in feeling. There's no shame in being human."

Ciel's eyes flutter, his wet eyepatch making right eye itch. "Sebastian, I--"  
"My lord, I'm here. Ask me anything, and I'll help in any way that I can. Anything to please you, my lord."  
"Can you...take off my eyepatch? I fear that I may ruin it." With his smile turning soft, Sebastian nods and with his unoccupied hand, he unties the knot in the eyepatch's strings.

The eyepatch falls into Ciel's lap and Sebastian looks in awe at Ciel's beautiful, purple eye. No matter how many times he sees it, no matter how often he reminds himself of their bond, of their contract, Sebastian still finds it breathtaking. The astoundingly pretty eye just makes him feel closer to his master, who tries so hard to hide from him. It makes him feel wanted, despite Ciel's facade of distaste towards him.

Once the eyepatch is properly tucked inside one of Ciel's waistcoat pockets, Ciel finally lets his tears flow without hesitancy. Once they start rolling down his cheeks, they don't stop. The boy starts to hiccup and sob, hating that he's giving in to his feelings but appreciating the way that his aching heart starts to become less sore inside of his chest.

Sebastian subtly shuffles to tug Ciel into his chest, not really knowing much on how to comfort the teenager. He's not extremely in touch with his sensitive side, so the most he can do is try to understand his young master. The demon strokes Ciel's back with his hand, tracing shapes into the back of Ciel's waistcoat.

Ciel soon grabs onto Sebastian's tailcoat, pulling himself against the demon. His tears drop onto Sebastian's coat and shirt, and yet Sebastian doesn't mind at all. It's just a few tears, it's not as if it'll stain, the butler thinks to himself. 

The demon uses both of his hands to cradle the boy against his chest, humming quietly to soothe Ciel. Ciel doesn't say anything, he just cries, thinking to himself. Sebastian's humming falters when Ciel hiccups and seems to sob harder. "Young master? What's going on in that pure little mind of yours?"

Ciel squeezes his eyes shut and he buries his face into Sebastian's shoulder. "Why can't I just forget everything? If I let go then I lose myself, but I'd rather lose myself than remember everything. Sebastian, I can feel them touching me. I want their hands cut off. I want them off me! Make them stop touching me. Please. Make them stop, make them stop!"

Ciel sobs out even more, his chest almost heaving once again. With his frown coming back to replace his smile, Sebastian rocks Ciel from side to side in his lap. "Master, you're with me. Wherever you are inside of your head is not where you really are. You are in your Monday best, which is rather ruined now actually because of the spring dust. You're home. You're not with those men and women who defiled you, ruined you. You're safe, my lord."

"Safe, safe, safe," Ciel murmurs, sniffling and letting out hiccups. Sebastian swallows back a sigh, not really knowing how to comfort his master. Ciel looks up at his demon and he rests against him. "Promise me that you'll protect me, forever. Please." Sebastian nods his head gently, holding him closer. "Of course, master. I promise. Come on, let me help you into the manor. If you would like, I'll cancel the rest of your schedule and you can go to bed. I could play you some music, or read to you, or perhaps I'll get you some chalk to draw with."

Ciel rubs his face against Sebastian's chest. "Can you read to me, Sebastian? I really...don't want to do anything else today. I'm tired. I'm...so tired," the boy whimpers out. Sebastian nods and quietly stands up after he tucks his hands underneath Ciel's legs. Ciel usually doesn't allow himself the pleasure of relaxing, so Sebastian is glad to have the opportunity to help Ciel have some 'him' time.

The demon takes Ciel to the Earl's bedroom, sitting him down on the bed. He closes the bedroom door and draws the blinds so that the room is a little bit dimmer. Sebastian then walks over to Ciel and lifts his chin up so that they both meet each other's eyes, establishing a clear means of communication. "I'm going to undress you, young master. If it's too invasive, tell me to stop."  
"...you always undress me, and I never say anything. Why are you saying this out of the blue?" Ciel murmurs, even though he looks at him with a half grateful stare. Sebastian's lips quirk into a gentle smile. "Because a bit of reassurance never hurts, my lord."

Ciel feels his head swim slightly. "Why are you being so nice to me?"  
"Because while I may act like I half tolerate you, I actually do care about you. Now is not the time for petty squabbles or a pretense of despite. You need reassurance right now, and as your-"  
"-Don't you dare say it's part of the butler aesthetic-"  
"-as your friend and guardian, it's my job to make sure that you're alright. This isn't mere courtesy, it's a duty."

Convinced he's dreaming at hearing this genuine truth from Sebastian, Ciel trembles. "How can I trust your words, Sebastian? You're good with your mouth, you practically own a silver tongue. How do I know that you're not just filling me full of sugar coated nonsense in order to butter me up for when it's time for you to take my soul?" Sebastian hums gently and traces over Ciel's waistcoat buttons with his finger tips. "You're just going to have to trust me, young master."

Letting out a small sigh, Ciel relaxes slightly. "I suppose that I don't have much of choice, do I? I either trust you, or I cower away and isolate myself, which is just pointless and that helps absolutely no one. Anyhow...I'm okay with you undressing me. I know that you wouldn't hurt me. Not like...not like they did."

The teenager waits a moment and he moves a hand to ghost over Sebastian's for a second and no longer. Sebastian watches Ciel's actions silently, his red eyes narrowing in slight analysis. "I trust you," the boy finally whispers. That's all the permission that the demon needs to get started on undoing Ciel's waistcoat.

Ciel looks away as Sebastian folds the waistcoat before beginning to undo the boy's shirt. Sebastian notices him looking away and he tilts his head a little bit. "Are you certain that this is alright?"  
"I don't need babying, Sebastian. I've said that this is alright. I'm okay, aren't I? I don't exactly think that you'll tie me down, carve into me with some freshly sharpened daggers and rape me, so I feel pretty safe with you getting me ready for bed," Ciel can't help but snap.

Ciel gets that Sebastian is just trying to be well intentioned, and he really appreciates it, but he's not fragile. Sebastian doesn't have to be so delicate with him. The demon hums and nods, going back to undoing Ciel's shirt before he pushes it off the boy's shoulders, sliding the clothing off of Ciel's lithe body.

The butler folds up the shirt, puts it on top of Ciel's waist coat and then he kneels down on the floor. He takes off his own gloves, tucking them into his breast pocket before he starts to take Ciel's shoes off. Once they're off and placed by the end of the bed, Sebastian carefully unbuckles Ciel's belt. "Hips up, master. I need to tug these shorts off."

It's when Sebastian's fingers graze his waistline that Ciel freezes. Okay, maybe he's a little fragile. Let's not blame him too harshly. After all, his memories of 'those' events are fresh back into his mind thanks to their freshly completed case with Kelvin. The case that set off his outburst today. The case that is plaguing him, ages after. Ciel lets out a harsh sigh. "I...I can do it myself, Sebastian."

Nodding and letting Ciel take off his own shorts, Sebastian heads over to Ciel's drawers. He opens them and carefully grabs some of Ciel's pajamas. Sebastian chooses a silk pair for today. Once he moves back over to his young master, Sebastian notices Ciel's hand caressing his brand. He watches as Ciel strokes the brand at an awkward angle.

Sebastian says nothing as he helps Ciel get dressed, tugging the silk pants up and tugging the silk shirt down. "There we go, young lord. Now, lie down and I'll go get a book to read. What are you in the mood for this afternoon?" Ciel shuffles under his covers and pulls his duvet up to his chin. "I've decided that I no longer want you to read me a book. Could you perhaps, instead...play with my hair until I fall asleep? Mother used to do it and--"  
"Say no more, young master," Sebastian says softly, sitting on the edge of Ciel's bed.

He places his hand into Ciel's hair, humming almost inaudibly as Ciel leans into the touch. Sebastian would say that this moment is almost domestic. If he had said that outloud, Ciel would've slapped him, but he can keep this happy little thought to himself.

There's silence for a while, except for Sebastian's humming and Ciel's soft breathing. That is, until Ciel starts to snore, clearly having finally fallen into a gentle slumber. The demon glances down at Ciel and he smiles in a somewhat fond way. "Rest well, my lord. You deserve it." And if Sebastian stayed up all night to play with Ciel's hair to make sure he'd be okay, no one would know but the demon himself.


End file.
